ilovesay!: March 2008

Many people think Christians ought to be without worries/suffering/be ultra-rich for that matter..my cousin even asks why doesn't God grant us 4Ds if Hes all-knowing.Goodness me.
They think if God loves us and is so real, then why does bad things happen to Christians?

Recently my aunt asked why I havent found a job if my God is so Almighty/real..Didnt I pray to Him? I told her without hestitation..Of course I did and Hes always at work.
Whenever I received news that I'm not selected for a particular job, theres always another job interview(s)/second interview lined up..

When God closes a door, He always open a window.

I was blog-reading and tots dawned on me.. (pls bear with me..)

I realised alot of us are struggling with our Christian walk..fellow Christians we meet every Sat in church but dun know how they are actually coping. To me, its encouraging to read other's blogs ..not for gossiping purposes but to see evidence of God working around us..

I am deeply encouraged and touched whenever I read abt how one struggles with his walk with God..no matter how much he feels like giving up/feels that God is so distant from him, he always press on and God never fails to speak to him/convict him of His love for him thru sermons/pple around him/worship songs.

I often wonder why do Christians esp mission-trippers who experienced God before/witness miraculous healing themselves.. backslide? How could we turn away from God who has revealed Himself to us..in more than one way? How can we deny His presence?

Perhaps they never got a second touch from Him/they may be going thru a reali difficult period and couldnt feel God anymore..be it God chooses to remain silent as God has a different timing from us or rather, in most cases, we are too absorbed/caught up in our present situations that we choose to take things into our own hands-we run away from Him instead of towards Him.

Moreover how do we know/can we say we reali trust God if our life is a bed of roses, without trials..If everything is smooth sailing in our lives, will we honestly still seek Him and learn to fully rely on Him? Is there a need for faith/reason to believe in a Higher cause?

A "self-made" man will never look beyond himself nor his HUGE ego! Theres simply no reason for him to do so! He's so caught up in his own game/master of his own destiny.

I reali think God chooses to remain silent/distance Himself for many reasons.More often than not-we reject His help by being so caught up in our own problems that we can't see beyond ourselves/our situations. We fail to see God can turn ALL situations for the good of those who loves Him and whom He loves.

Everyone including myself desires a second touch from God. At times, I feel distant from Him/wonder how to draw closer to Him/live in His will. I come to realize its not always thru personal touch that God chooses to reveal Himself to us. Look around us and We'll see He's at work 24/7 thru the lives/experiences of others around us! Let's spur each other on with our testimonies/encounters with God.

Personally, my most intimate experience of God is my 1st encounter with Him...when He healed me from dengue. On my 2nd trip to Tan Tock Seng (TTSH) A&E, doctor told me I could be down with some blood infection since they simply cant diagnose whats wrong with me and they have ruled out the possibility of dengue on my 1st visit..

I felt totally miserable..kept crying, had difficulties breathing and my fever hovered ard 38/39 degree celsius for days! I threw up pretty much everything I ate (yup...even H2O); for the 1st time in my life I had absolutely no appetite! Calvin could only pray for me. I was sick for about 4-5 days and on my 2nd trip to the A&E, I suddenly broke out in profuse perspiration when I was on drip (I had never perspire so much in my twenty-something years of my life! not even from running 2.4km!!) My whole t-shirt was soaking wet! (I'm not exaggerating here) and all of a sudden, I felt alrite..in fact perfectly well! I could breathe normally..just that I'm dying of thrist! BRING ME MY WATER..I could almost hear my lungs exclaim.

Imagine the shock I was in-at this very moment, doc came over and told me: We regret to inform you that you are down with dengue (what?! erm..ok I suppose dengue is better than some blood infection..at least I know wat's dengue)and in fact yr condition is worse than wat we thought. You need to be warded immediately but we can't admit you due to 'over-whelming' occupancy rates aka their wards (in fact almost all public hospitals near my place) were fully occupied. Are you kidding me? In the end,I was warded into East Shore Private Hospital! (by the way they actually serve delicious hospital food! hmm I could still remember the lamb chop I had then -well another evidence that God has already healed me then:) -Praise the Lord!

So much for e disgression.I had never stayed in hospital b4 and I feared sleeping in a hospital cos I had vivid memories of the chinese movie "The Eye"! I simply can't sleep! How on earth am I going to survive the nite?!
Somehow I managed..Thank God for Mp3s!! I lost track of how many times I listened to my whole track of songs..The next thing I knew I woke up tearing..I actually fell asleep listening to praise and worship songs and woke up with a very strange, never b4 wonderous feeling. I felt touched and can't stop tearing..so this is how its feels when pple break down during altarcall in service...

I wasn't exactly a firm believer at that point in time! Calvin's aunt(Hilary's mum) could even sensed my disbelief in God and told me to reinstate my faith in Him. Do I reali want to receive God's healing she asked.

Believe me, I had my share of struggles and doubts. I came a long way and in my opinion, still have a long journey b4 me in my walk with God.

Even after the dengue incident, I dread making my aunt (whos reali dear to me) upset when I told her I can't offer prayers to my deceased parents anymore..I want to make a stand in honouring God. She flared up and didn't speak to me in days! Till now I still dread going monastery with them during Qing Ming/death anniversaries..cos the very sight of me being there yet not doing anything to help them for instance to lay out food/burn the offerings (esp. when it's my parents hence my responsibilties we're talking about here! ) simply makes me ultra-unfilial.

My heart aches everything she tells me she dreamt of my mother appearing in her dreams asking for clothes/money etc.. How do I make her see: these are all Satan's works in deceiving them who's in the world/blinded by the truth? How do I tell her my parents are not around anymore..those are NOT my parents; just familiar spirits in disguise! It will just break her heart.
God knows how much I love my parents.I miss them so much.They forever reside in my heart!
Being a Christian doesnt mean I've forgotten abt them..its the way I choose to deal with my loss/sadness that differs now. I dun want to keep questioning God..WHY ME? I yearn to have a complete family. If only I could tell my mum how much I love her. I'm sorry for the awful things I've done and I long for her touch/embrace once more.

I could only pray to God thru time that His grace/love will heal my hurt..I want to channel my sadness/regrets into passion/love for others. I thank God for every remembrance of them for parents are God-given and I know everything happens for a reason..reasons that are FAR beyond our understanding.

Since then, I cherish all my loved ones/make a point to show my love/concern for them.I grew to be more emotional as I can't bear the thought of losing them! I dont want another one of them to leave this world without knowing Jesus/being saved! God..I dun know how to reach out to them at times. It seems mission impossible. Everytime I meet up with my friends and family, much as I want to share the good news of Jesus with them, I afraid of pissing them (further). How do I make them see: The only reason I'm taking this risk (of pissing them off) is out of my love for them?
Why is it so hard for them to see the truth?

I recalled what Pastor Daniel shared b4:
If Jesus/Christianity isn't real, we Christians can still go heaven if entry is based solely on good works according to the 'world standard'..
However if Christianity is real (which is the case!No Doubt abt that), then alot of our loved ones are in serious trouble..bcos good works alone is not enough!

Friends/non-believers always ask if God loves everyone, then why does He send pple to Hell?
God doesn't,its Satan's doing...Thats never part of God's plans for us.

We are the ones who have separated ourselves from God by sin.

God loves us so much that He send his one and only son, Jesus to die on the cross for ALL our sins so that ALL who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life! God wants us to be reconciled back to Him thru accepting His son, Jesus Christ!

We are bought at a very dear price. Satan is defeated for eternity the moment Jesus died on the cross for ALL of us, not just us Christians! God gave us the freedom of choice..we can choose to embrace Him; to accept Him as our personal Lord and Savior and live in true freedom or we can continue to live in darkness and be caught up in our worldly worries..

God is right at the doorstep of our hearts. And He allows U-Turn.
Question is do we simply ignore His presence?
Do we dare to take that leap of faith. Honestly, you've nothing to lose..
You can either spend yr whole life questioning his existence.. or spend yr whole life living in His Perfect Love.
The deal is: if you never try, you'll never know!

God will not barge in unless you allow Him to.

"If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord' and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."-Romans 10:9

Call unto me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know-Jeremiah 33:3

"For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."-Jeremiah 29:11

Take a chance: Experience God yrself.

Christianity isn't a bed of roses/one without trials/worries/disappointment. Difference lies in our attitude and where we place our hope: God is with us thru it all and He will never forsake us!

Many of us Christians will say that we trust God and we can easily quote verses that show that every thing works together for good of those who love God. Its excellent to stand on those promises but if we don't also put that faith into action then it is useless faith.
Do we show,by worrying over every little thing that happens in our lives,that we don't really trust God? -me..guilty as charged.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God-Matthew 5:8

I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.- Psalm 62:5

Walk the talk and claim God's promises today.
I will never ever want to forget how real and good He is.

Today is just another day of looking for jobs/sending out resumes.
My job search hasn’t been too good. I just received an email notification, regarding this job which I reali hope to get, that they have found someone else more suitable..yet again.

Its reali depressing/super disappointing when time and again, you received news: your resume is shelved for future job opportunities. You get frustrated when interviewers say I like you very much, we think you’re good, you've got excellent soft skills but you just dun have the necessary experience etc..Months have passed and I still dun know what I should be looking for. All I doing is just aimlessly sending out job applications.
After sometime..criterias dun realli matter.. JusT GeT a freaking Job/any job some would say.

Its reali difficult to be positive and take it all in …less to believe you got rejected bcos there’s something better out there.. I always tell Guanhua not to despair, to trust in the Lord that He will provide him with a good job.
I come to the sad realization I’m also subconsciously struggling to fully rely on God. Its so hard to have confidence..to tell myself that I’m good and there’s something better out there esp. when you really like that job that turns you down/think you stand a good chance clinching it after the interview..

Be confident- checked.
Be attentive -checked.
Be humble-checked.
Smile-checked..
Pray (hard)-checked..

so GOD, where exactly lies the problem? Am I not good enough? What else are they looking for? What kinda job should I be looking for? I kept pondering..
One moment, interviewers expect you to be assertive aka confident/eager to work…on the other hand others penalize you for being too outspoken, too ambitious aka too eager to learn. They often say: You are more suitable for client servicing, front n middle office roles but I'm afraid you dun have the required experience.. the list goes on. Goodness me. Only God knows what they want. Seriously.

Anyway,I still choose to be myself. Its too confusing to have so many job interview “identities” depending on what job interview you're going for. Job fit is about how suitable you are for the job and vice versa! Its not a one-way fit.

Having said so, I do mind how others think me. At times, I’m afraid to tell the truth or for that matter, just be yrself. I tend to overthink/over analyze at times(more often than not). I feel defeated knowing I’m prob not good enough for the job aka why am I still jobless (I'm sure by now some might think I'm choosy/lazy/plain not-good-enough) and that feeling sucks.

Life is a constant struggle. How often we let people who dun know us well, who isn’t even important in our life affect us, determine our self worth...We let their opinions and remarks hurt us/belittle us when God our no. 1 fan, the one who loves us unconditionally who adores us, thinks we are the best despite all our flaws and darkest secrets.
He desperately tries to get our attention while supporting us silently all these while..

We ought to see/ love ourselves the way our Almighty Father sees/loves us. In Pastor Daniel’s words, stop acting like POW (prisoner of war)!! Quit living in self pity, asking why no one understands/cares/loves us when HE is and always will be there for us.

He is with us thru it all. Run to Him. Not away from Him.
He’s the ONLY one who loves us for who we TRULY are.
Afterall..If God is for us, who can be against us??

This is my prayer today:

Dear Lord,

I confess my hope in the light of yr salvation
When I lose myself I will find you are all I need

I will meet you here in the life we call surrender
Let the world I know be the glory of yr grace

GOD I acknowledge YOUR ways are HIGHER than my ways
Thank you for all the Job interviews/opportunities
You know the desires of my heart…you know my worth, my darkest secrets, my worries
I'm sorry to lean on my own understanding…hence feeling defeated/lousy and worried
I fail to see myself thru YR eyes and most of all, I fail to trust completely in You
Today I want to claim yr promises to me: plans to prosper me and not harm me.
I reckon You know whats best for me
Instead of focusing on what went wrong, I want to focus on You.
Instead of focusing on what I dun have, I want to focus on what I have
I want to exchange my yolk with Yours..for Yours is light where else mine’s heavy
I want to live a life that’s pleasing to you..to bring glory to you in everything I do

Who we are is Yr Gift to us
Who we become is Our Gift to You

I want to channel my disappointment/sadness into compassion/faith in You
Would you be the Lord of my life and direct my path

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference

I will do my best with all that You have equipped me
When all is said and done, I will leave the rest to You
Would you draw near to me and teach me to rely on You fully
For You Alone are God

In Jesus most victorious name..I ask and pray, Amen

I love You Jesus
Yours Truly,